Marry Your Best Friend
Fifteen years ago, I made a pivotal choice. I asked my wife out.
We met at a rock nightclub a few weeks earlier. I was a regular there: it was ten minutes away, played music I loved (like Disturbed and System of a Down) and offered 50% off on Student Night. I'd often headbang my night (and young adult frustrations) away, letting the music wash through me.
One fateful night, I looked up and felt a shockwave course through my body, pulsing through my chest. My body froze, time slowed down, and the music faded away. My senses narrowed to a single point of focus.
She was... beautiful is too mundane a word to describe. Sunrise in the Kruger National Park is beautiful. A double rainbow in the sky is beautiful. She transcended such a bland description. Her labradorite-blue eyes glittered in the light, piercing me whenever she looked in my direction. Her lissome body flowed gracefully, one with the music. She was... magnetic. Intoxicating. I couldn't look away. I didn't want to. At that moment, nothing else in my Universe mattered. I was instantly hooked.
My toxic Little Voice, was incessant, telling me she was way out of my league. Who the hell did I think I was even thinking about approaching her? She would laugh at my ugly face and walk away, so I should walk away right now and go back to my dull and aimless life. I pushed it aside and danced with her anyway, asking her questions and following her around the dance floor. A helpless planet caught in the gravitational pull of the sun. Eventually, she caved and finally danced with me too. Persistence is powerful.
A few weeks and a few dates later, Lenja and I sat on the lawns at Wits University, snacking on the enormous vegetable spring rolls that were a campus favourite. At this point, I knew I wanted her in my life. There was no question about it. She hadn't yet ghosted me and seemed interested enough to keep seeing me. It was time to make it official.
It's hard to look into her crystal eyes without catching my breath. My palms were sweaty, and my heart was battering against my chest. I finished my spring roll and, straining to keep my voice calm, awkwardly said, "Will you be my girlfriend?"
She looked at me, then looked away, considering. As always, she played it way more relaxed than I ever could. After what felt like an agonising eternity but was, realistically, more like a second or two, she said, "We can try this out. But I'm making no promises. And don't pressure me."
We tried it. It worked out.
When we met, we barely knew ourselves. We were young and naive about much of life. Thanks to a double dose of generational trauma, we had no idea how healthy relationships worked. Yet, here we were, deciding to hang out with each other all the time and try this couple thing out. All I knew was that I couldn't stop thinking about her and wanted to be around her always and forever. All she knew was that I treated her well and made her laugh when I was around, so having me around was alright, even if I had poor dress sense.
Our primary relationship is the most important one we will ever have. It will determine the paths we take and the people we become. I am categorically the person I am today, thanks to my wife. Over the last fifteen years, Lenja and I have learned from one another, teaching each other how to be in a healthy relationship. It wasn't always pretty. Fairytale relationships are - unsurprisingly - fairytales. No matter how magical a garden is, the life inside will wilt and die if it isn't tended to. All relationships take work. We must decide whether it is worth it and then do the inner and outer work to cultivate it.
My wife is the person I've chosen to spend my precious life and time with, so I prioritise her. She is my rock, and I am hers. We're vulnerable with each other and have learned how to have tough conversations with minimal conflict. We hold a safe space for one another at all times. We listen to each other without judgement and make time for laughter and play together. We appreciate the small, everyday moments. Sitting quietly with a cup of coffee and a good book or helping each other with household chores (which neither of us wants to do but isn't worth arguing over). I give her space to be who she is, and she lets me be who I am.
Putting in the work and pushing through the hard times has led to a life of fond memories and plenty of growth for both of us. I cherish every day that I get to spend with my wife. She is my person. My best friend (with benefits). She will always be my priority.
On that note, I'm off to prioritise her by bringing her a cup of coffee in bed.
Until next week,
Ric.